Feelings, Photography, Friday 06.14.2019

Anxiety and Anger

At times I feel Anxious, I am sure we all do at some point. Whether I have an Anxiety disorder is a different story. The feelings emerged due to the loss of my parents not as direct response, rather the feeling associated with overwhelms me. Growing up without parents, the first-born male, and raised by traditional grandparents create a certain level of expectation.

  I was taught to not show emotions or display anything that entailed inferiority/ weakness. However, reflecting from the past. My mother was an emotional person having rather intense anger and frustration when I would not focus on schoolwork [ pretty sure I have ADHD] to the point of striking me with various objects and tears. Whereas, my father was quiet and the “do everything myself” kind of guy.

How does that affect me? Well, I am kind of a blend. Mostly more reserved but have learned to open because it has helped me to process my emotions. The problem with my anxious feelings is they geared towards other people as a response. I mentioned my mother use to get extremely angry me. Now I’m adverse against people that have anger issues, I simply do not get along with them because I am the quiet and reserved person. It bothers me that the angry person is able to speak out over me with no care about anything but themselves ‘being anger’ when I am trapped in my head think about how the response. I feel like I am literally talking to a brick wall. Angry people are irrational!! Therefore, once some on is deemed an angry person in my book when I talk to them [ if I talk to them] I can feel my heartbeat increase and fight or flight reactions being to take effect.

That response manifested into panic attacks or becoming overwhelms when I was with my Ex She had her problems, but I sought to look past that. Unfortunately, I became the punching bad that carried the burdens of someone with dad issues, anger issues, depression, and anxiety. With all the raw emotions especially when anger struck when I was not at fault; there would be a sensation of my chest about to collapse inside of me. This is what made me actively avoid people with anger issues. But low and behold, my uncle, of whom I live with, has anger issues.

Therefore, it makes it incredibly difficult to deal with my uncle. Not to say he is a bad guy; he just gets really worked upon what he has to say whether it is right or wrong; he is apparently always right. From that point, there is two “voices” battle in my head. The first one trying to get me out of the conversation short answer, quick phrases, or statement that try to wrap up the conversation quickly. The other “voice” is the fight in fight or flight, this one is accompanied by a higher heart rate and my brain trying to figure out why what’s going on in their brain that is making them upset; essentially I frustrate my self by trying to rationalize their angry irrationality. So far, the way I cope with extra emotions is with my hobby’s such as photography, cooking, or gardening. As well as talking about it. As far as other emotions go, I was always the person that would listen to friends or families if they had an issue and was able to express how I feel to others. The real issue I am working with is how to deal with angry people. How I would like to express it to people that are angry is telling them “get over it!” because I feel that it is a waste of time to get angry at something.

Disclaimer, feeling angry is normal, but I talking about being angry as there is a difference between some feeling anger as a result of something versus being an angry person.