Gotta Moment?

Hello, people of the internet!

It has been a while since my last post..sorry about that

My last post being in August has been quite the trip. From that point forward my friend and I are doing alright. We are still friends in the sense of not being strangers to each other. Even got her a Christmas gift( nothing fancy just some snacks and a plushy).

The conversation we had had, through discord chat, was headache-inducing. I don’t know what I do to myself, but I fancied her chill relaxed nature and constant begging for food. I would often order her pizza e-gift cards. Then we would watch videos via web streaming. For some reason, I enjoy the lax consistent of this person. Part of me believes it was to mask the internal chaos of my personal life.

But yeah, the reason for the Blog o’ frustration in August was because she blocked via discord. Later I learned it was a joke and that kinda put me on edge because I am the kind of person that treats everyone as genuinely as I can and never want to make someone feel bad or misconstrue feelings.

Since then we have talked and are still on good terms. But yeah I cared too much and she didn’t care at all so that created a Hodgepodge of headaches on my end.

Complied by the fact that I was working from home due to COVID and in the process of purchasing a truck everything was kicked up a notch.

In other news, my sister has a Boyfriend, one of my friends back in high school. I honestly think it is good because he a nice guy and she that kind of person that focuses on what she needs to do so someone that is chill, easy-going, and enjoys board games if perfect.

Meanwhile, I feel like I’m not getting anywhere, but for now, it’s fine I don’t care at this point.

This leads me to another point.

At the beginning of 2020, I thought life was finally shaping up for me. I had started working at Makita as a temporary hire and had a good chance of being hired according to my peers. However, that was cut short due to the COVID lockdown in March right after my birthday. 

That was the first strike to me as I was hoping to move at some point in 2020. Fortunately, I was able to get a job at LPL as a temp worker. That was my first experience working from home and although at first, I was ok, it kind of wore me down mentally as consistently being in the same place day in and day out.

The feeling of it being the same made it seem like a drag. I was essentially isolated in my room working as a Portfolio specialist. The task itself was ok once I got the hang of it. The mental burden of being at home surrounded by the same people is what got me and I’m sure you all know my rants on how unpredictable my uncle is.  That was a 6-month contract only adding to my anxiety because I had known it wasn’t going to be long term.

During that point, I was able to buy my dream truck at financed prices of 335 per month. The largest purchase in my life putting 7k down, trading in my sedan, and paying per month for it. Maybe it wasn’t wise because I knew that my time at the old job was short, yet that was the very reason I kicked up to high gear. In the end, I was happy with my purchase. I wish I was more vigilant in trying to drop the price of the truck more.

 As after I got the truck there were a few things that I need to get done.

1.  The front suspension was out and needed to get replaced (it still rode ok despite the dampers showing signs of grease leaking out).
2. Front rotors were warped.
3. Brake pads need to be changed.
4.  The engine filter was filthy.
5.  The cabin air filter also filthy.
6. The windshield was aftermarket so that meant it was replaced.
7.  The Transmission fluid need to be change and software update (I wouldn’t know until like a road trip appr~ 500mile)
8. Also needed a tune-up because it was at 130k miles.

I could have negotiated down maybe 2-4 grand off I mentioned these things. Most of which I could have pointed out. In my head, all I kept thinking was checked to see if the frame was ok just in case it was a salvage unit that was miss represented. It cost me just about 4k for everything I have done to the vehicle including accessories and fixing the items.

But that is all a sunk cost now it has become incredibly useful as a family hauler and a utility vehicle. I love my truck and have no regrets about the truck itself.

Fortunately, during that time was able to find a job at an old place I used to work at. They paid about the same, so I was not out of work for that long. Again, it was a short-term project because they need some to help with Office admin stuff like billing and excel work.

Now fast forward to the future I am working at a new job that I hope to stay for the long term. It’s a great company and I hope I can be an asset for the long term. Yet currently I do not have much access to the systems and so I spend a lot of my day just chilling.

Which is kind of nerve-wracking because it is not much for me to do; I feel like I am just an intern twiddling my thumbs. I have learned some of the procedures but knowing me I need to do it by hand until I get the feel of it. Again, the issue is having limited access and I am working at home 3 days out of the week so Zoom is the only way I can get taught.

I don’t know maybe I am overthinking it but I feel wrong getting paid for doing little. Also, I am nervous when things do start to pick up because I am afraid, they might expect too much when I am not ready. This feeling of being inadequate is throwing me for a loop.

I am happy nonetheless that I am finally working on something for the long term and that the company is secure as we live a breath on this earth.

Also, I don’t know why but I feel like I have little motivation to learn at home. I find it incredibly difficult to focus. Again, I am surrounded by my room which is where I play games and sleep. Should I focus on something if I am not interested I just get sleepy…. sigh, I’m a hot mess.

But yeah that is me and my life currently. Staying safe and getting a move on my life slowly and surely

I will try to keep this blog more active! I just needed a break to reassess plus if there is not anything interesting to talk about I don’t really why to write anything lol.

This past month has been one big Roller coaster. On top of having a wicked headache for the past 2 weeks, I have been feeling the quarantine blues. This feeling of emptiness, sadness, and lack of drive made me feel helpless. Something that did make me feel exponentially worst was someone I had..have.., I don’t know anymore, played a joke where they blocked me. Normally this is the kind of trolling they would do ( although they never actually did it) so the fact I was actually blocked and I was down in the dumps lead me to believe that I actually offended them or bothered them. So it was during this time that I wrote this poem having also recently watched Hamilton I found it a better way to clear my mind of what I was feeling. Obviously, I learned it was a joke the next day, but something I realized is there is never usually an apology after a joke backfires. Part of me thinks they might have legitimately have forgotten the about the joke, but the other part of me thinks its a scapegoat. So them why? do they care do they not? they do not really communicate, they live in a different state, and they work long hours plus I barely know them…why do I care so much about this person that I have sent them gifts and spend hours watching movies every so often with them? Is it all in my head, I think it is in my head, then why do I care?? I don’t even know what they sound like! I have a picture but what if its a lie??

I do not understand how or why I put so much gravity in these situations, but on top of this working long hours staring at a screen, nursing a headache, and even thinking about quitting I am at my wits end.

Here is a poem i wrote for them..enjoy

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Why

Why?

Why?

Why?

Tell me why, [ pause] why you started saying hi?

my heart skips a beat make me wanna fly (fly)

This feeling inside

I try to deny

I cannot lie

I feel compromised

An yet I don’t even know the look in your eyes

All the good time

Is this a joke? Am I a joke?! H I

Sitting there messaging you

Not really knowing who I’m talking to

But I don’t care

My heart, my spirit, fly high in the air

Only to crash down

Emotions locked out

My mind in a state of frustration and anguish

I barely know who you are..Why why do I feel this?

What am I like this?

Hi

At night darkness surround

My brain confounds

Thoughts wander without bounds

Lost ..hoping to be found

Estrange sounds

Music plays

Is that Nero fiddling by the Flames?

Oh, it was just a joke?? I should feel ashamed

And yet deep down

Sadness and disparity

Create such wonderful matrimony

The sweet sounds of this cacophony

Echo’s in my head to bury me

Like Church bells ringing, Sanctuary

please lay me under a tree…

Why do I put so much weight?

To convers-ate

It this so sick tempting fate

That we can relate

But I still can’t shake

The giving tree, of the snake

That holds the answers in apple I should take

Please sir Isaac Newton deliberate

The gravity of this feeling I insinuate

sadness, pain, worry, and longing I wish to eliminate

all the care I put only adds to this heavy state

From laughing at gifs and memes

To Messages of good night sweet dreams

Stop

I don’t know you

Why do I care?

Do like what I cannot have

Or ignore the pain and torture to be fix by a healing Salve?

Sitting reading your messages line by line

Was I right to be kind?

Sending snacks and plushies that one time

And a couple games after green hell backfired

when you get home, your message

I’m tired

Am I angry? No

Sad? A little

Knowing you work for hours and hour tireless

Inspires me

Compassionately

Ease your mind and relax with me

Playing games —I’m bad—

Movies –wow that was so sad—

Reminding you not to forget..forget.. to eat — well said—

Not going to lie sometimes I wish I could cuddle with you in bed

And you could give me what the heck?!

Ha I’m playing, I’m messing with you

Just having some fun so I’m not bored too

But all the pain I felt when I was blocked was true

Why do I care so much about you?

 To summarize

I don’t know why

hi

hi

why

its not fair because I actually do care

Pressing thoughts -05.18.2020

I honestly should have started this sooner, but every time I do I think I should have done it before so whats the point of starting it now. I realize that’s my flaw my trains of thought. If something is past I have little motivation to keep trying. A petty example going to class late. I’m the person that would go there at least 1 hour early or early nonetheless for be being 10 mins late was pointless. When I reality it wasn’t; it was me realizing that I was late and not accepting that fact. As well as, no keen on accepting that reality that I was late for whatever reason.

It is the realization part of the topic that is bumbling around in my head.

 Disclaimer I’m typing this when I have off moment while I work so there might be chances where I will repeat some topics.

It’s the topic of irrationality; being that I’m an econ major the idea of rationality if pervaded through people and their habits. Therefore, effects the economy, and by extension the society, in a way that benefits the majority of rational thoughts.  What do I mean by this? Rationality is a bit of a touchy subject as it is seen by the perspective of the person and is accept from the many point of people around them.

To an alcoholic more buying more drinks seems to be a rational choice, but to people around him that’s not wise because they will harm themselves more. On the flip side if the person in not and alcoholic, but instead going out to drink with some friends but are surrounded by family members or people that think drinking is bad or going out invites disaster, then they will think it is irrational.

Therefore rationality, is preserved though the beholder and accepted by the common thought. This has to do with someone strong internal belief as well. Going back to the Alcoholic example of the person with the drinking problem believes they do not have a problem they will continue to drink, of course they can also know they have a problem and continue to do as so, but here is the catch; If a person does realize they do have a problem and such problem affect others around them should they be incline to resolve the issue? That is based on their moral or ethical encompass. Something that really has to do with how people are raised.

As an example, I’m and American-Asian male, emotions are supposed to be something you keep to yourself. That I what I was taught when I was younger despite being more sensitive and more empathetic compared to my relatives. However, during a series of traumatic events I developed a tendency of repressing my emotion keeping it bottle versus working it out. Notably Anger was a problem and is a problem, but not in the way you would thing.

Let me explain, I don’t get angry, I may feel upset or frustrated at times, but I typically do not get anger because of how my experiences are with angry people. For one I do not like people anger because they don’t listen; I want to be heard but more importantly I want to hear the other person. When people are anger, they typically shout and yell, which sure I can hear then along with everyone else, but I can’t hear what they are trying to say on the inside. Anger in my experience is an unbridled culmination of negativity that manifest itself into a physical and verbal expression. I characterize it as a fire without a flame. You can’t reason with a bush that went up in flames you can only take the fuel away so that he flames are choked out. That is how I deal with anger.

Growing up with my mother and father; Clear family dynamic in my family was both my parents worked, but mom handle dealing with the kids because dad had long hours and often physically exhausted to his working in the furniture industry. My mother was more of the rebel in the family. I learned later on through aunties and uncles she was a challenge and a fiery spirit; and boy did I get to experience that. I was beaten with various objects from chopsticks to the dowels for adjusting blinds, and that made a sharp snap was fair game. What does physical punishment do? Made me deal with it, maybe it made me more inline, but from what I know I just put up with it because it was one and done. However, what did get to me was when she  would get angry and cry like having me do homework, which I struggled with so hard, it took me so long to understand multiplication and reading the clock the would get angry at me and yell so much she would go off to cry. That when it hit me and to this day. You can’t reason with angry people they loose rationality, but I learn I don’t want people to be sad or to feel burden by me. Therefore, around angry people I’m afraid of their irrationality, the pain they can inflict or the disparity they feel. I do not want to feel it or experience it. If the anger unrelated to me or its early enough for me to help I will not hesitate to jump in a help ease the situation. I am averse to anger because of my experiences; I chose to listen and want to be heard. People that are angry are lost in their own world and it makes it increasable difficult. On top of that they lend to lash out.

Therefore, the brash rationality of anger is a subset of frustration. It’s a further development of being in a state of usedness mixed with the various chemical and physical reactions that provokes a sensation of fight of flight with a perspective filter of a raging bull. This is why angry people tend to stomp around and call the shots. What I see are two hippos gnashing their terrible teeth at each other showing who has the gape-iess of mouths. I understand that emotions are a way to communicate certain behaviors that are not conveyed using words.

My problem with anger is more than not it seems that there is a pattern between anger and success. What the generic idea of a boss or a CEO of a company is a person that yells orders and screams in anger when things do not get done. I suppose it works considering my experience in the professional workforce most the bosses or example of team leads always have a negative aura.

It is because of this whole I get my way because this I have some bone to pick with emotions in general. Like when I was younger, I was downright a pansy. I would just about cry when anything happened, I felt bad for or nervous or just plain afraid. Then at some point I realized because I was sad or crying people would we at my whim. At some point I felt like I was manipulating them because my burden is my own right? To have people sacrifice their time to comfort me felt like I was essentially wasting their time.

Obviously, I know that line of thought doesn’t quite make sense and that I have sought help from Psychologist. They explain what emotions are a good thing that help people to interact with the environment. They are a natural part of life and should be something that shouldn’t control you life, rather explore your life.

I agree that emotions should never get the best of us. Because back to the anger issue it breeds a reliance on outburst in order to make things happen; what I mean is that “ if you don’t do this I will get mad” or “ I will be sad if you don’t do/get me this”  I’m not afraid of the emotion themselves rather the meaning. I don’t understand what the other person is thinking I only know from what they displaying.

If they are going to get mad because I did not do x, y, and z why is that the case? Is it a threat? Is anger the right way to win something over or is it a self-imposed bomb so that there is no room for communication? Even sadness: are you sad or is it a self-loathing state so that you pull others in? is it true sadness with neutral inclinations or is it a self-feeling so others fall in to support you?

Over the past 2 months during Lockdown, we have been forced to minimize going outside unless necessary, or should we, the are certain protocols we must adhere to. The standard 6 feet apart “social distancing” term coined at the beginning of this pandemic and recently the mandatory usage of masks such as in Costco or Target. 

My secret has nothing to do with all pandemic at all. It probably is better for me that I am stuck at home. Why is that? Well, its because I started learning Japanese!

Hold up..so you’re telling me watching a bunch of anime and Youtubing “Japanese lesson for beginners” count as learning Japanese?! 

First off, yes technically… Jerk…and no I’m actually enrolled in a class. I decided to take this call after going to LVL-UP expo with the cast of ThoseNerdsOverThere https://thosenerdscast.wixsite.com/home uploading weekly episodes every Wednesdays with all you nerd themed content! Fun fact: There will be a Charity Livestream hosted by the http://www.epicfilmguys.com/  #LivestreamForTheCure May 27th – 31st! Check out their Twitter for updates! @https://twitter.com/thosenerdscast and@ https://twitter.com/EpicFilmGuys

Anyways, at the convention among all the Naruto’s, Inosuke’s, and Jailbait loli’s there was a booth for http://manga-de.com/ which is, you guessed it! Manga!…alright its an online Japanese teaching service dedicated to teaching Japanese in a way that is less structured in school and used manga as a tool to reinforce learning the material.

The instructor used Zoom meetings to practice Japanese with you on a 1 on 1 basis. My lesson is once a week on Monday and they have lessons up to 3 times a week along with free events via zoom for drawing and cooking Japanese food!

So far I have studied Japanese formally for about 2.5 months starting fully of April(trial in March) before everything got shut down, and it has been a great experience so far. I would compare it to a Japanese culture club in high school with manga mixed in and the instructor being involved in teaching students versus it being student-led. There is a textbook that I didn’t get (although I wish I did) and the lessons stretch about 45mins which going through the textbook via zoom screen share. My method of learning is a bit more interactive being that I didn’t get the textbook I write down my own notes and review using what I write down. Along with the practice websites the instructor gives you to practice on your own. There I no homework per se, but I recommend reviewing your note especially when it comes to learning the different characters.

So why now? Initially, I wanted to take Japanese when I was in high school, but my dad didn’t let me saying Spanish was more useful ( kind of wish I studied that more) but I’m pretty good at understanding Spanish because of that. In college, I didn’t need to take a language course and decided to burden myself with technical courses so I could graduate on time (delayed myself a semester because of a major switch). During this whole period I was always into anime, manga, and wanting to learn Japanese but I could never do it because I was at school full time and working part-time then full time! I felt like there was never enough time in a day to commit to learning another for the fun of it!

Low and behold it wasn’t until almost a year after I graduated when I stumbled across this booth at LVL EXPO while visiting my friends in Las Vegas. After getting roped into what I believed was a sketchy way to learn a language; I gave it a shot a decided to put my info in for a 3-week free trial at 25 mins.

The first lesson different, but in a good way…let explain we started with what kind of manga/anime you are currently reading/watching and like the mainstream trash I am, I said Demon Slayer. So then we proceeded to learn the song via the lyrics in Romanji at first/

This was honestly what I hoped for! No longer in the attitude of “Hide your interest of manga and anime in Japanese lessons” gone it was used to reinforce the whole method of this teaching. I want to say yes, I am learning although I feel like the pacing is slower, I also feel like I’m retaining more information compared to learning on my own. As well as, having someone that is a native Japanese speaker makes it a lot easier to learn the nuances of the language right away. 

Overall, I am happy I walked over to the booth and signed up. Now I am not going to say it is the fastest way to learn Japanese or most efficient, being its once a week with optional material. It is one of the less stressful ways in my book because I essentially do not have homework, I have to review on my own time which for me is less stressful because I don’t feel obligated and don’t want to make the lesson awkward( like when the teacher ask you about a chapter in a book you forgot to read). Granted this is an introductory class so there is going to be a lot less structure, but being that is the method of teaching uses your primary interest, in this case, Manga/ Anime, it makes it easier to retain the lessons.

In terms of cost, I think is it more expensive than a class because these are private one on one lesson. It cost about 80$ a month + 30 optional textbook for a 1-month meeting once a week for 45 mins. I think for now with the lack of spending on gas ( literally used to spend almost 200 on gas month) I can manage the cost.

For almost three months I have learned hiragana and number with some basic introduction and interactions, with my note close if I need to look at it. The number was surprisingly easy to remember because there are only 10 of them and they repeat with slight changes in a few.

So that has been my ongoing adventures, I will keep you guys updated with my journey through Japanese. Almost three months seems like a long time but for learning a language I think I have just scratch the surface! Until next time Matta Ne!! see you guys soon!