Photography, Feelings, Friday 6.21.2019

This past week has been a mixed bag of good, bad, and confusing. What I mean by this is that over the past week I have driven about 2000 thousand miles! YAASS, “A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton” Having Graduated with my Degree in Econ and Minor in Accounting this was the first summer I truly have off as a full-time student and working part-time.

 The feeling is both relieving and frustrating. The reason is that for the past 17 years the school cycle has been ingrained into my head. Some people can’t wait to get out of the education system; I my self-included, but there is a part of me that is frustrated because I am left with no goal per se. I was working part-time and now I am in the process of transitioning to working full time. It is the empty feeling that leaves me feeling like I am meandering through limbo without a clear goal. I am going to miss learning in a classroom, meeting new people, and walking around; Yes, having worked part-time in an office job I learned sitting at a desk is annoying. I understand these are petty complaints, but are things that are drifting around in my head, nonetheless.

The other slice of the pie, at least initially, the first few weeks of freedom from school and work (took time off) was amazing. I was able to enjoy my hobbies such as gardening, photography, cooking, etc, but every day that past I felt my “freedom bar” dwindle. I enjoyed it but knowing the inevitable is what burdens me down. This past week has been rather a June gloom. Adding the fact that while I was on vacation to my hometown of Las Vegas, Nevada I was able to hang out with friends and family. Little did I know that was the last time I would talk to my best friends Dad. He was battling Parkinson’s for many years and Leukemia within the last year; Sadly, he passed away a few days after I visited him…leading me to drive back and forth twice to Las Vegas a cool 276 miles away from where I live in California.

The whole process was entirely the mixed bag of emotions. Firstly, going back to Las Vegas after 2 years to spend time with my childhood friends. It was a breath of fresh air to go back in the dry desert heat. I even stopped by Hoover dam, mostly cause my friend didn’t get out till 3 pm and I got there at 9 am… it was crazy to see how much the dam has changed. Literally, some of the islands are now small mountains!! Anyways, I was able to rekindle relationships with each of the few friends’ close friends. I was fortunate enough to join dinner with my friends, get a pedicure, and enjoy being together with them. It’s those times that I miss. Growing up in Las Vegas despite what people think it’s like it is a small town. There is not a lot to do there if you live there are under 21 and not on vacation . It is a chill rather mundane lifestyle where life is rather predictable. Compared to Los Angeles California when it is a dog eat dog world. I have grown accustomed to the chaos of LA traffic driving and all the diversity, but honestly, I get tired of thinking about where to park, factoring the cost of parking, accounting for traffic time, or wondering if it’s going to rain or not! There is a lot I appreciate in LA, yet, sometimes I don’t know if my true self belongs there. My life has always been “comfort in chaos” meaning I make the best of unfortunate situations. It can be that the chaos of LA is something that inspires me to push forward, but if that becomes normal isn’t it just a mundane.

I am truly grateful for my life, but there is a side of me that believes there is more, but for what? Shouldn’t I be happy with what God has given me now? Or is there more I need to push a challenge myself to be? Should I take the charge since I am young? or Should I take this time to “slow and grow” since I am young? I don’t know… Life always changed for me. The reality is we all pass at some point. The reality that flashed by within a week with fun with friends to mourning with families. There is no right or wrong way, but there is a way. I am stuck at the crossroads. With an amalgamation of different scenarios playing in my head.