Feelings and Friday 05.17.2019

Worrying

The topic of worrying about someone or something has always slightly irked me. Especially, when someone is worried about me. I mean how I feel is that when someone is worried, they think that I am some drug addict that is overloading his share narcotics and avoiding the light of day. No, I don’t do drug, but I do get home late; they have no relationship. So then why do I feel this way?!

The example of drugs was hyperbole to state that when someone says “ I was worried about you or I am worried about you” to me implies that I have caused someone a terrible deal of pain that has caused them to be worried about my where beings. The specific reason that it bothers me today is that I was at the school studying for a final exam on Saturday from about 11:30 am to about 7 pm at night then I had a church event at night at 7:30 pm and stayed back to help class. I didn’t get home until about 10:45 pm. Now I am 23 years old and the last person to do anything “bad” at night. I WENT TO A CHURCH EVENT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! But for some reason when I get home at 10:45 pm go to my room and get ready for bed I hear my uncle utter to himself “ it’s late Hughes isn’t home yet?” then with some creaking stairs down to the door then up to my room “ knock knock knock”. I open the door to see him standing there rubbing his eye after he had washed his face for bed..checking to see if I was home. Then with a statement “how come you can home so late? I was worried about you”

I feel like normal people would think that’s so sweet someone was worried about by safety blah blah blah. For me is the opposite, I feel like I have done something wrong or bad to put them in a state of panic and frustration. Therefore, my position is that I am the cause of the anguish by causing the other person to worry. Why I feel that it upsets me more is the fact that usually I will text my uncle “ hey I am going to be home late don’t lock me out or I will lock up when I get home” though I am usually pretty good at texting, in this situation I didn’t due to the timing and lack of priority of the task because I was studying( my taxation class where we prepared taxes for people, but have no reading material to cover except for the whole friken tax publication..like what gives professor) and had something to do after.

This leads me to another tangent. Having to text someone your whereabouts so they know. First of my uncle is a very smart man when it comes to technical things, he is the guy. But when it comes to interpersonal relationship look somewhere else. He is the same person to install cameras all over our house and his mother in laws house without asking so he can watch the footage for potential threats; only him because he gets worried about everything. He also wants to know where anyone is at any given time and gets disgruntled when someone doesn’t tell him. AND he will get disgruntled if he doesn’t agree with it and try to prevent it from happening. ISSUE ALERT! if you tell him and he doesn’t agree PROBLEM and if you don’t tell him PROBLEM.  

It relates my me a little bit more is that regards as I volunteer at the church a lot, he doesn’t see the value even if I do; So he will put his beliefs on me and has straight up told me “ I think you are spending too much time at church focus on your studies” I don’t know about you but I manage my own life thank you very much AND most parent want would probably want their kids at church anyways

I digress.

When he said he was worried about me it felt like I did something bad like sneak out to rob a bank or something even though I was studying then had to attend a team night at church. I did not text him which would have spared his worry, but in the event, I didn’t which this is not the only time I have had team night or got home late, but added to the frustration of the worry because I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG!!! So then why the worry?! Because I didn’t tell you?! Why does it matter I was studying which is my concern!! To make matters more flustering it is a two-way street, as in he has told me that “yeah taking 5 classes is tough I had to study all day and night. I only went out once a month at the most” congratulations? I am not looking for solutions and I AM NOT YOU! I already look at the perspective from my own and other peoples. It just seems like he is only looking in his own perspective and believes it I the only way to do it because he did it

So my point it..writing helps to see it out take it out for a spin… In all seriousness, I don’t like people worrying about me because it makes me feel like I am hurting someone. I don’t like the feeling of hurting someone because I feel hurt from the inside. We have our differences, but it creates our own version of life. I still love my uncle, but he just thinks differently. He grew up with his dad my grandpa who was old, traditional, strict and taught him to trust himself and do everything on your own because people lie and cheat. While I grew up with his mom my grandma who lived by enforcing, nurturing, open-minded and believed friend, family, the community can help each other out if you take the opportunity to talk to them.