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This past month has been one big Roller coaster. On top of having a wicked headache for the past 2 weeks, I have been feeling the quarantine blues. This feeling of emptiness, sadness, and lack of drive made me feel helpless. Something that did make me feel exponentially worst was someone I had..have.., I don’t know anymore, played a joke where they blocked me. Normally this is the kind of trolling they would do ( although they never actually did it) so the fact I was actually blocked and I was down in the dumps lead me to believe that I actually offended them or bothered them. So it was during this time that I wrote this poem having also recently watched Hamilton I found it a better way to clear my mind of what I was feeling. Obviously, I learned it was a joke the next day, but something I realized is there is never usually an apology after a joke backfires. Part of me thinks they might have legitimately have forgotten the about the joke, but the other part of me thinks its a scapegoat. So them why? do they care do they not? they do not really communicate, they live in a different state, and they work long hours plus I barely know them…why do I care so much about this person that I have sent them gifts and spend hours watching movies every so often with them? Is it all in my head, I think it is in my head, then why do I care?? I don’t even know what they sound like! I have a picture but what if its a lie??
I do not understand how or why I put so much gravity in these situations, but on top of this working long hours staring at a screen, nursing a headache, and even thinking about quitting I am at my wits end.
Here is a poem i wrote for them..enjoy
(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Why
Why?
Why?
Why?
Tell me why, [ pause] why you started saying hi?
my heart skips a beat make me wanna fly (fly)
This feeling inside
I try to deny
I cannot lie
I feel compromised
An yet I don’t even know the look in your eyes
All the good time
Is this a joke? Am I a joke?! H I
Sitting there messaging you
Not really knowing who I’m talking to
But I don’t care
My heart, my spirit, fly high in the air
Only to crash down
Emotions locked out
My mind in a state of frustration and anguish
I barely know who you are..Why why do I feel this?
What am I like this?
Hi
At night darkness surround
My brain confounds
Thoughts wander without bounds
Lost ..hoping to be found
Estrange sounds
Music plays
Is that Nero fiddling by the Flames?
Oh, it was just a joke?? I should feel ashamed
And yet deep down
Sadness and disparity
Create such wonderful matrimony
The sweet sounds of this cacophony
Echo’s in my head to bury me
Like Church bells ringing, Sanctuary
please lay me under a tree…
Why do I put so much weight?
To convers-ate
It this so sick tempting fate
That we can relate
But I still can’t shake
The giving tree, of the snake
That holds the answers in apple I should take
Please sir Isaac Newton deliberate
The gravity of this feeling I insinuate
sadness, pain, worry, and longing I wish to eliminate
all the care I put only adds to this heavy state
From laughing at gifs and memes
To Messages of good night sweet dreams
Stop
I don’t know you
Why do I care?
Do like what I cannot have
Or ignore the pain and torture to be fix by a healing Salve?
Sitting reading your messages line by line
Was I right to be kind?
Sending snacks and plushies that one time
And a couple games after green hell backfired
when you get home, your message
I’m tired
Am I angry? No
Sad? A little
Knowing you work for hours and hour tireless
Inspires me
Compassionately
Ease your mind and relax with me
Playing games —I’m bad—
Movies –wow that was so sad—
Reminding you not to forget..forget.. to eat — well said—
Not going to lie sometimes I wish I could cuddle with you in bed
And you could give me what the heck?!
Ha I’m playing, I’m messing with you
Just having some fun so I’m not bored too
But all the pain I felt when I was blocked was true
Why do I care so much about you?
To summarize
I don’t know why
hi
hi
why
its not fair because I actually do care